My Mother In Law - I Just Don t Understand Her

She Doesn't Understand You Either: Empathizing With Your Mother-In-Law

Things started well. You laughed with your mother-in-law, you even had a few drinks with her and had some girl-talk giggles. You thought everything was working beautifully.

But then things changed. You had a baby. Your husband took a new job and you had to move to a different town. Your mother in law developed health problems, or you did. What happened?

Most likely, it was that most common of things, a misunderstanding. You thought she thought something she didn't, or vice-versa. It was an assumption, and we all know the saying about the word "assume": it makes an ASS of U and ME.

Here's an example: Donna used to get along beautifully with her mother-in-law. They had a few mai-tais the night they met, and they hit it off well. But suddenly, after Donna had her baby, things didn't work so well. The mother-in-law became tense, then cold. While the mother-in-law once had come over almost every day, she stopped coming so frequently, and then only talked about the baby, how he was doing, how much he weighed.

Donna was a little worried about how her mother-in-law handled the baby too; she was elderly and a little frail, but seemed to pick the baby up without thinking. Was she really healthy enough to handle that hefty infant? What if she dropped him, or hurt herself?

This is a classic case of assumption. Donna is being overprotective of the baby and of her mother-in-law. She's assuming that her mother-in-law does not know how to judge her own strength, or doesn't remember how to handle a baby. It's a typical new-mom mistake.

But it's not all Donna's fault. Her mother in law is not telling Donna how SHE feels either - that Donna's hovering makes her uncomfortable, that she just wishes Donna would let her watch her new grandchild for an hour or two, or take him to the park, without tagging along. Doesn't Donna have things she needs to do without the baby?

The answer in both these cases: they need to talk, and not over mai-tais. If you're Donna, you apologize to your mother in law that things have gotten so strained between the two of you, and ask her to talk about what's on her mind. Donna, too, needs to tell her mother in law why she is concerned. This is likely to be an uncomfortable discussion, and both parties need to remember that it is ultimately for the sake of those they both love: the baby and his father.

You may have a situation similar to Donna's in your life. The key is not to get mad at one another if you can help it. You're probably both going to have hurt feelings when everything is out, but this is mostly because of that nasty word "assume" again. You both made poor assumptions. Once the discussion is finished, and you both understand what was going on, there may be some raw wounds. Do what you can to re-bond: mai-tais worked the first time. Go shopping for the baby together (always a great woman-bonding tool!) Ask your mother-in-law if she'd like to take the baby to the park for a while, or come with you.

Even though you may have some tense moments after the discussion, it's better to get it over with. Your mother in law was great once; she can be great again. Like every relationship, though, you both need to work at it. And you'll find out quickly: it's worth every uncomfortable second.

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