The Silent Destroyer in Relationships
Two people become attached. That is accepted. People change from infancy to adulthood. That is also accepted. When two people come together in marriage or a relationship they will change over time during that relationship and, depending on their perception and aspirations, the change could be dramatic. That fact is seldom acknowledged by society or the parties involved. Instead the couple are viewed, and also perceive themselves, as static robots who will remain almost the same as they are in behaviour and outlook, from the day they move in together until they part or die. We do accept some change in partners but, to maintain our comfort levels, we expect it to be minuscule, to be in a vacuum and entirely unrelated to anything else!
But human beings do not remain fixed at any given point. As we mature in life, our attitudes, values and character change too. We actually evolve with every moment of our existence. With life being a journey, ongoing personal exploration and development is inevitable, even if it is resisted. It follows that if someone marries young, the maturing process will ensure that their view of the world, their expectations of life and their feelings about themselves (which are all shaped by personal experience and impacted by the presence of others) will be different a few years later than when they first started out on their adult journey.
Thus making vows on our wedding day to live happily ever after, for better or for worse, to love each other no matter what, is sheer pie-in-the-sky which ignores life"s essential evolution! A fine pledge for that exciting and unreal moment in time, when hot love and the desire for perfection move us to make such promises, but it often becomes a meaningless, emotional straitjacket when applied to the rest of our lives. The two people making such rash commitment will be very different by the familiarisation stage of the relationship, especially if there has been significant personal development during that time, like acquiring new skills, or a higher qualification, which tends to change our perception.
So, when two people become an item, despite the unrealistic expectation of little change, any unfolding relationship actually speeds up the evolutionary process. This is because we do not stop in our tracks once we pass our teens or we meet someone. Adulthood actually defines our development. Significant experiences, like accidents, illnesses and career progression, shape our existence. They build a unique life story that is different for each adult but, like DNA, one which is related to everyone else through generations. But such experiences will also be influenced, on the micro level, by individual perception, so that what is stressful for one adult in any generation may actually be exciting and challenging for another.
Changing Expectations
All new partnerships along our journey bring consequences of adjustment which are bound to affect us in some way, often negatively, as we adapt to our environment and seek comfort in it. We also encounter different experiences at the various stops, or what I would label 'staging posts', along that journey. At each of these staging posts, which are dictated by age, personal development and sporadic crises, our expectations will either change or regress as we come to terms with who we are and what we seek as individuals. Much also depends on how successful we are in resolving the two key issues of personal identity and attainment. With life being fluid, change is thus guaranteed in order to do justice to our physical, emotional and intellectual growth.
So, when you set up home with someone, it is inevitable that the relationship itself will evolve, either positively or negatively, as the parties adjust to each other. The nature of that change is usually dependent upon how mutually validating and satisfying the union becomes. As we pass from one age to the next, often with some difficult periods of transition, we learn and mature in the process. If we acknowledge and work through the issues of each successive stage, or staging post, we are likely to become more confident and effective individuals further down the line. If we find it difficult to cope, we then get stuck at one stage, especially when we fixate on only one point in our life, perhaps sunk in a mire of regret, and find that we are unable to move forward on our individual journey.
Given the fickleness of human nature, to expect no change in emotions over time is highly unrealistic. It is far more sensible to have reaffirmation vows regularly, with limited objectives throughout the partnership, ones that are easier to manage and execute, than idealistic promises which won"t be kept and merely breed guilt and resentment. Otherwise there will follow a painful realisation that one cannot continue to have the same feelings for another when both parties have evolved into very different beings from the ones who took the vows.
The desire for security, stability and unchanging human emotions has been responsible for causing the most angst, disappointment and feelings of failure in many relationships because they ignore inevitable changes caused by that silent but deadly destroyer - adult evolution.
ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - http://www.myspace.com/elaineone and http://www.elainesihera.co.uk) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author
Source: http://ezinearticles.com/
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