Sexless Marriage - 5 Steps to Relight the Fire

Does it feel like your marriage is stuck in a rut? According to Newsweek, as many as 20% of married couples are in sexless marriages. It's the quiet epidemic no one is talking about. Has it been a while since you really felt connected to your spouse? This article will give you some simple tools to help relight the fire in your marriage and bring sex back into your bedroom. They may seem like small things, but when combined they can bring a powerful change to your relationship.

1. Be Supportive. Often the reasons couples lose their sexual fire have nothing to do with sex itself. Those reasons can vary from stress at the workplace, the work of raising children, or a very fast-paced lifestyle that keeps us so busy we just fall into bed at night -- with no thoughts of sex whatsoever. Rather than creating more stress by putting pressure on an overwhelmed spouse to have sex, try finding the areas of their life where they need support and offer it. Maybe they need a neck massage after a particularly stressful business meeting. Maybe they need a few hours away from the responsibilities of watching the kids. Take the kids out for a few hours and give your spouse some time to decompress. If your spouse just needs someone to listen while they vent, be supportive that way. All of these types of things will send a clear message to your spouse that you care for them - even when there's nothing immediately "in it" for you. This type of support will strengthen your relationship, creating an atmosphere more conducive to sexual intimacy.
2. Make Time. The myth that "quality time" is better than a quantity of time is just that -- a myth. Spending fifteen minutes a day with your spouse just isn't going to cut it if you're trying to relight a passionate fire. In the evenings, step away from your computer. Your email will wait. Turn off the TV (unless watching TV is something both you and your spouse really enjoy doing together), and turn off your phones. If you need to clear some commitments off your calendar - then do it. Making the time for your relationship tells your spouse (and the rest of the world) that your relationship has a high priority to you. Even spending family time together with your spouse and your kids can be very healthy for your relationship. If you're a work-a-holic, redirect some of that energy into creating the intimate relationship you want with your spouse. You don't have to be alone to create intimacy. Snuggling up on the couch with the kids piled all around for "family movie night" can be very intimate emotionally. Whatever you do, just devote both quantity and quality time to your relationship in ways that make sense for you both.
3. Start with Massage. If it's been a long time since you've been intimate with your spouse, it might be awkward to know where to start. One good place to start is massage. It's very relaxing, takes a certain level of vulnerability with one another, and creates intimacy - yet, there isn't the expectation for sex. Great conversations can occur during a massage. Men generally don't equate massage with sex (unless it's sensual massage), so they may feel more open to talking about sex during a massage. The goal to a great sex life is having a great relationship. Massage is just one more way to build your relationship. Make sure to get a good, quality massage oil or lotion. Light some candles and put on some relaxing music. Create a relaxing and stress-free atmosphere. Sometimes massage can lead to intimacy, but don't go into it with that expectation. Go into it with a giving attitude without any sexual expectations at all.
4. Try a Sensual Massage. Discuss with your partner the idea of trying a sensual massage. This is different from a regular body massage in that rather than working the deep tissues to relieve tension, you're using a longer stroke along the back, legs, and torso -- with teasing touch to intimate areas. This type of massage is intended to stimulate the circulation in the skin and tantalize your partner. Sensual massage is playful and relaxing - and often serves as a precursor to sexual activity. It can also be a great way to reconnect with your spouse's body when you've been abstinent for a while. Making that first move can be difficult, but the rewards are great for couples who have chosen to include sensual massage in their relationship repertoire.
5. Be Consistent. Planning a trip out of town for the purpose of reconnecting your intimate life with your spouse has a certain thrill to it. However, for those couples who have infrequent sexual activity, it can also set you up for sexual failure down the road. Sex should not be viewed as a "special event," but should be a consistent and regular part of your marriage. If couples only invest effort in creating great "anniversary sex" or great "vacation sex" they can lose touch with the ordinary and regular part that sexual activity should play in their marriage. When you make those crucial first steps toward reconnecting with your spouse, the location should always be your home. Be creative about where in your home - it doesn't have to be in your bedroom in your bed. But, by choosing to reconnect sexually with your spouse in your own home, it's like you're claiming a victory on the home front. Consistency is so important when trying to revitalize a lackluster sexual relationship. It's all about the law of averages. A disappointing sexual experience can be put into perspective when it's merely one among many, many good experiences. However, when sex is infrequent, a bad experience can seem much more significant. Mix it up. Some times of intimacy will be spectacular and create long lasting memories. Others will be brief moments before falling asleep after a long day. Some may be wild nights of unbridled passion. While, others may be routine and predictable. In any event, having sex on a consistent basis is one of the most powerful things you can do to strengthen your marriage relationship. Don't have expectations about what sex should be every time. Our sex lives can be likened to our eating habits. In order to be in optimum health, we need to have a wide variety in our diet. So, mix it up - yet, be consistent in your efforts to share intimacy on a regular basis.

If your marriage has become one of today's statistics - and is currently a sexless marriage (or one with infrequent sex), make the decision to turn it around. By following the five steps above, you will not only strengthen your marriage bond, but you'll also set the stage for intimacy to occur. Your marriage will be rekindled, the stress levels of both partners will be reduced, and you'll be well on your way to a long and (most importantly) happy marriage.

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