A More Loving Marriage in 45 Seconds a Day
Does it feel like your marriage isn't as rewarding as it used to be? Do you both seem so busy that you just don't have time for each other any more? Do you wish you knew how to reverse this trend before things get worse?
Here's a small behavior change that I've taught to many of the couples I see in marriage counseling. It takes less than 45 seconds a day-15 seconds in the morning, 15 seconds after work, and 15 seconds before retiring for the evening. This one small behavior change, done with a positive intention, can bring back the warmth you once had in your relationship. It almost seems too easy or so brief that it would be inconsequential. But, if done with positive intention, you can change the atmosphere in your relationship and home. If you already do this, count yourselves in the group of skilled, loving couples.
I'm talking about a particular type of 15-second greeting three times a day. Here's what Ron, half of a couple who came to see me for marriage counseling in my North St. Paul, MN office, had to say about it,
"Well, the act of greeting is really a small part of a relationship. And don't we already know how to greet each other? What could we possibly learn about how to greet each other?"
"And besides, we talk to each other on our mobile phones all the time. We say 'hello' with each call. What else is there?" was Lois's addition. Ron, employed for 30 years in risk management, and Lois, a teacher at the local university, came to marriage counseling because there was an absence of warmth and friendship that used to be in their relationship. Their last child was leaving for college. They weren't sure how to make things better for themselves. Both were unhappy and were beginning to blame the other person for what was going wrong.
The art of greeting is becoming a lost art for many couples. And yet, greeting someone especially your life partner and mate as they return to the family home after even a small absence can be a powerful acknowledgement of the value you place on the relationship. You are welcoming this person into the space that you share. You are showing respect and consideration. You welcome them into the sanctuary of the home as separate from other relationships and other settings. Your home, the place where you finally relax and sleep, is like no other place. Even if it's a small apartment, a tent, a hut, or castle, it's your home and a special greeting is required.
So how do you greet your partner when he/she arrives home? Do you bump fists, rub noses, give a high five, or kiss cheeks? Do you tip your hat, bow down or do a namaste? Do you say "Whatssup?" or "G'day" or maybe you don't greet at all. Maybe you exchanged news with your partner on your cell phones on the way home from work and now you don't feel like any special greeting is necessary. As you can see, greetings vary from culture to culture. You and your partner have your own unique culture. Ricky Ricardo always sang out "Lucy, I'm home." What do you do?
Ron and Lois seemed to have lost their culture of greetings. Ron arrived home first and grabbed a snack out of the refrigerator. Lois would call home and she and Ron would talk briefly about their day. They would exchange information about events of the evening. Then, when Lois arrived home, Ron would hardly look up.
"Why should I? We just talked for 20 minutes? I'm tired from work and I want to watch the news." Lois said she would go into the bedroom to relax and change into more comfortable clothing. She would sometimes stay in her room to read or watch her own TV shows. Ron might fall asleep on the couch. They didn't even say goodnight to each other.
"Well, it's not much better in the morning. Ron gets up early and is gone before I'm even ready for my first cup of coffee. As I think about it, we never greet each other or offer a farewell greeting." They talked of their politeness and warm greetings with their co-workers and children. They had never given it much thought for themselves.
"Remember how we used to greet each other when we were dating in college?" asked Ron with a sparkle in his eye. She laughed and replied,
"Yeah, I'd go to your dorm room on weekends. I'd run up the stairs to your room. We'd hug and laugh and kiss."
"I think those greetings lasted all weekend," added Ron. "I don't miss those days but I sure miss the excitement of seeing each other."
After that session, Ron and Lois decided to make a ritual of greetings. While they never totally recaptured the excitement of their youth, they did express genuine joy at seeing each other. They decided that whoever arrived home first would greet the other one at the door. They would kiss, smile and hug. Then, he could go watch his news and she could go to the bedroom to change clothes. They also decided on a departing ritual. They would kiss and say, "I love you" before going to bed.
This was the only change they made in their relationship. Ron and Lois had a sound foundation built out of fondness, admiration, and respect over many years. So this wasn't a difficult change for them. They made this one small change: "We'll greet each other." It was a change they could both participate in.
They came back three weeks later. They both seemed more animated. They both reported feeling closer to each other. They had put effort into making only the one change, one simple behavioral change that takes about 45 seconds or less a day. But they had both noticed a definite difference in the quality of the friendship and affection for each other.
One small, 45 second ritual of respect. And these good people found some of the warmth they had lost.
You too can try this one small change-45 seconds a day. You don't have to live with an unhappy marriage.
If you would like help making this change or if you would like other effective techniques for getting your marriage back on track, check out http://www.RelationshipTherapyStPaul.com for more ideas. Get the help you deserve.
Pamela Lipe, M.S. Licensed Psychologist
http://RelationshipTherapyStPaul.com/
As a marriage counselor, hurting couples come to me to resolve hurt feelings and to safely address problems of abuse or affairs. They want to learn to develop a warm, supportive partnership that can endure for a lifetime. You too can learn skills and understand yourself and your partner better. You can get your relationship back on track. You both can feel better. You can feel more confident about your future together. Visit my website at the above link for information on how to get the help you deserve. You don't have to live with an unhappy marriage.
Source: http://ezinearticles.com/
Added: August 6, 2008
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