A Loving Marriage - Can You Learn How to Have One

Is learning a skill really all that important to the quality of your relationship? Some people think it depends on how flexible or easy going their spouse is. For example, take Tanisha who said: "My husband, James, is rigid, narrow minded, and never talks to me. How can he learn to be a better husband? We seem to crab at each other all the time. It seems like he's always irritated with me. I finally decided to just live with it but this marriage just isn't what I expected." Her speech trailed off as she looked out the window and away from James as they sat in my office.

While it is true that some marriages can't be saved, the "un-saveable" are special cases such as on-going physical abuse or chronic alcoholism/drug use. But even some special cases, like an affair, can benefit from learning skills. I don't mean to discount other vital aspects of a marriage, such as love and affection, respect, or a positive tone in the household. But love and affection alone cannot save a relationship that is falling apart.

As a therapist who specializes in marriage/relationship counseling, I meet with couples to help them sort through the hurts, the criticisms, the defensiveness, and sometimes, even contempt so that they can create the relationship they've always wanted. One of the very basic parts of marriage or relationship counseling is to help the couple learn new tools.

According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who studied successful marriages for 30 years at the University of Washington in Seattle, there are many skills that can improve your marriage. I teach them to my couples in therapy and they have great success. They don't have to change their basic personality or conform to how their partner thinks they should be.

One of the skills that I find to be of immense help as couples work to find the marriage they've always want is the concept of The Emotional Bank Account. This is how you do it. You try to do useful, nice or thoughtful things for your partner. These don't need to be big things that you do. It can be as simple as a small note (with a positive, loving message) on the mirror for your partner to see in the morning. It could be offering to open a door, or change the next diaper, even when it's not your turn. As you do this, you begin to build up a positive emotional bank account.

Your attitude here is important. You need to be in a giving mood and not expecting your partner to respond directly to you with something positive. In fact, your partner might not even notice. So, these random acts of kindness should not "cost" you a lot in terms of time, energy, or money. Your attitude should be one of wanting to do something for your partner, just because you are in this relationship or just because it's the right thing to do. These are small positive events. Over time, you build up a positive emotional bank account.

Why is a positive emotional bank account important? Remember Tanisha and James who "crab at each other."? Sounds like they both have negative balances in their bank accounts. When you have a negative balance, it doesn't take much for the next behavior (even a simple one like slurping your soup) to elicit a strongly negative response. Tanisha said she thought they were irritated with each other for a long time. In session, James agreed that it didn't seem to take much for them to get hostile toward each other, and he didn't like it. On the other hand, he didn't know how to get back to the respectful attitude they used to have for each other.

They both listened as I explained how the positive emotional Bank account works. James looked doubtful, and Tanisha repeated that they had been irritated with each other for a long time. However, they admitted that this idea made sense, and despite their doubts and irritability, would give it a try. They said they would try to look for positive things to do for each other and see if they felt any better.

They came back to session two weeks later and there was a noticeable reduction in tension. James said he had gotten home from work earlier than Tanisha one day. He saw that the living room was disheveled. He spent 5 minutes picking up used drinking glasses and arranging the pillows on the couch the way he knew she liked it. Also during the week, he had found other small easy things to do for her. He felt better to not be thinking so harshly about her when he performed these small kindnesses. He also noticed that Tanisha was less irritable with him. Tanisha chimed in to talk about the things she had been able to do for James. She has noticed that James talks to her a little more often now. She still thinks he has problems with rigidity and narrow mindedness, but she is less troubled by these characteristics. Plus, she and James can more easily talk about the issues when she thinks he is being rigid.

Drs. Gottman say that the couples who stay together and have good marriages almost always maintain a positive emotional bank account. They do random acts of kindness off and on throughout their marriage. Then when things get tough, as they always do, they have a positive account from which to make withdrawals.

On the individual level, if you have been able to make many positive deposits in your bank account with your spouse, when it comes time for you to make a withdrawal, you'll have the funds to carry you through. For example, when Tanisha forgot to call James to tell him she was coming home late from work, James' response was not the irritable or silent treatment she had been used to getting from him. He described his reaction: "You know, Tanisha has been really thoughtful lately and I've actually noticed that she has gone out of her way to make our relationship feel better. I hadn't even told her I noticed she was doing these things. So when she didn't call, I was kind of mad at first, but then I realized that it really wasn't such a big deal. She comes home to me; she loves me. And that's what really counts." Tanisha looked at James and they smiled at each other. The love and bond they have with each other was palpable.

As their therapist, I also smiled with them. They had been able to put into use a strategy to create more harmony in their relationship. You too can develop this same strategy. Give this to your partner to read. If he or she is willing, give it a try. Try building up a positive emotional bank account for two weeks. See if you notice any changes in your mood or the tension in the relationship. Good luck with your efforts.

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