Marriage Problems are Solvable

Do you wish your marriage felt better to you? Do you have some minor relationship problems you would like to fix? Or maybe you have some problems that feel huge and you are tired of them. Either way, you want less pain and more pleasure in your marriage. This article addresses some things we know about relationships, what works and doesn't work in relationships, and offers two alternatives for creating healthier marriages.

Conflict, even in the best marriages, is inevitable. For some couples it creates underlying unease in a relationship. For others, it causes major problems. How we deal with conflict leads to either a painful or pleasurable conclusion. Our natural desire is to find a pleasurable solution, but most couples don't know how to recover when they experience relationship problems. Usually they keep doing over and over what they know to do and it doesn't work. They can't figure out what to do differently. Most of the time people don't know how to successfully communicate and productively solve problems together. This is one reason why 75% of all new marriages end up either in separation or divorce, or unhappily staying wed.

We have "built in" needs; needs with which we are born. These include air, water, food, and shelter. Other built in needs we have are for physical closeness and emotional openness; what we call "bonding." Without the skills to confide openly and honestly, listen empathically, and solve problems effectively in an environment of good will and trust, we are unable to bond successfully.

Our education for learning how to communicate and handle relationship problems usually comes from watching our parents. We copy what they do. If our parents did not show us healthy skills for communicating and resolving conflict, we need to look somewhere else to learn these skills for success in our marriages.

When you don't know how to communicate and solve problems as a couple and you have children, they are unable to learn these skills from you. In turn, they grow up not knowing how to have healthy relationships. The result is an intergenerational problem: kids grow up having the same relationship struggles their parents have.

By learning and doing what works, couples can break the pattern of unhealthy communication and create intergenerational health: happy, healthy parents raise happy, healthy families. Your children, in turn, have the capacity to pass relationship health on to the next generation. Now there's a legacy worth leaving behind!

So where can you go to learn these skills? Both marriage counseling and relationship psychoeducation for couples have demonstrated effectiveness. Successful approaches include:

learning proven skills for communication and confiding effectively,

resolving misunderstanding and conflict productively,

healing old relationship wounds permanently,

and increasing intimacy successfully.

Many people are familiar with marriage or relationship counseling where you meet regularly over a period of time with a counselor or therapist. Successful treatment focuses on your relationship rather than on individual issues. With your counselor you identify and dissolve the barriers to resolving your conflicts.

Benefits of relationship counseling include the privacy of the counseling session, a focus on your specific relationship needs, and flexibility in scheduling appointments.

Outstanding alternatives or additions to counseling are relationship psychoeducation workshops for couples. Psychoeducation is not therapy. It is more like taking a class. Look for a program where couples learn how to identify specific and practical skills for:

identifying healthy and unhealthy relationships,

learning how to turn relationship pain into pleasure,

understanding how to maintain relationship health,

and gaining insight for how to recognize signs of relapse before their problems worsen again.

As with marriage counseling, greater gains are usually made if you choose a program where the focus is on the relationship rather than the individual. Seek out a program where you and your spouse have the opportunity to learn and practice concrete skills, under supervision, you can continue to use regularly at home. Both secular and faith-based programs are available. While people sometimes express concern about sharing their problems in the presence of other couples, workshops have their own set of benefits. Usually couples value from seeing their problems are a lot like the problems other couples have. They tend to gain encouragement from experiencing not just their own immediate positive results, but also the rapid changes of the other participants. It is common for any initial discomfort you have to go away early in the workshop. An added value: couples are likely to spend significantly less time and money to obtain positive results.

How do you decide what services are right for you and your spouse? Start by seeking out a counselor who specializes in relationship problems. It is helpful if this specialist offers both counseling and psychoeducation services, or will refer you to workshops if that is what you need. Together, with a counselor, you can choose which service or combination of services is right for you.

Are you ready to make some changes today towards a healthy, successful relationship? Here are four tips you can start using now:

Tell your partner every day at least one thing you appreciate about who they are or something they have done.

Make every effort to see the concerns of your partner through their eyes.

Avoid dismissing their feelings and experience when you do not understand or agree..

Never criticize or put down your partner in public.

Nurture healthy interests outside your relationship.

Do you have difficulty imagining transforming your relationship pain into relationship pleasure with your partner? With the right help marriage problems are solvable when both partners decide they want to have a more satisfying, pleasurable relationship together.

Copyright 2008 Jenny Olin

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