Divorced Families - Make a Virtual Connection With Your Children
Divorce laws are finally recognizing what social science research has known for decades. Children with two involved parents do better in life. It is the involvement, not the location, of the parent that is important. Staying involved when circumstances separate you from your children is critically important to your child's well-being. Divorced, separated and traveling parents have more communication options than ever before. The methods described in this article are meant to supplement in-person contact, not to replace it.
Why Connection Is Important
Starting with research in the 1970s, children of divorce and their well-being have been studied. Virtually every study has shown that children whose parents are involved and connected with them do better in life. Being able to connect about daily life and activities improves interest and improved interest generates more emotional connections between you and your child. Imagine being able to see your child's first loose tooth or helping your child with vocabulary words even though you live in a different state. Being part of events like these create stronger emotional bonds. And not only is the connection good for children, it improves compliance with child support orders. This is probably a result of the improved emotional connection - no more feeling like you are just a wallet.
What Kind of Connection
Obviously email can be an important tool for staying in touch with your child, but it does not increase the emotional bond to the same degree as being able to see each other. Like being the disembodied voice on the other end of a telephone, email does not create a personal connection. What parent has not struggled with one word answers and distractions trying to have a telephone conversation with your child? Forty years ago, the telephone was "the next best thing to being there." That is not true today. For making a connection with your children, webcams truly can be the next best thing to being there. Being able to see you means that your child will be less distracted during your time. You can also engage in many activities with your child - whether it is homework, a cooking lesson, reading to your child or listening to your child play an instrument or perform. When your child can see you, it is likely that the contact will be longer. Seeing each other does make virtual contact the truly next best thing to being there.
Florida joined a handful of other states (Utah, Wisconsin, Texas) and passed a "virtual contact" law. None of the laws allow virtual contact to be used instead of face-to-face contact. Virtual contact is meant to supplement in-person contact.
What You Will Need
First, both homes must have Internet access - high speed is best. Those with dial-up internet connections will have jumpy images and lags in transmission time. This can prove more frustrating than not seeing your child.
Next, both homes will need web-cameras and microphones. Microphones and webcams are built into many laptops now. If you do not have a webcam, you'll need to buy one. Webcams vary in price, starting around $20.00. You do not need, and should not buy, an "internet" or "nanny" camera. You want a camera that takes still images as well as video, not a surveillance camera. LabTec, Microsoft and Creative Labs and others offer a variety of affordable webcams. Considering the price of travel, any camera will be a bargain.
When shopping for a webcam pay attention to the resolution and "frames per second" or "fps." You want a camera with at least 640 x 480 resolution and 30 fps. There are many cameras offering these specifications. If you want a better quality picture with less jumpiness, go for a camera that offers 15 fps and higher resolution (1280 x 1024 for mid-range prices and 1600 x 1200 for higher-priced cameras).
Microphones are much easier. At a cost of about $10 you can buy a microphone that plugs into your computer. Nothing fancy is required. If your computer does not have built-in speakers, you will need those too. Add another $30. Total equipment cost for both homes is less than $100 for basic equipment.
Third, the camera needs some sort of program or service to use. Both homes need the same program. The easiest programs to set up and use are those connected with Instant Messaging services like AIM or Yahoo Messenger. Also consider Skype and Net Meeting (check the accessories folder if you use Windows, it is probably there). These take a bit more set up but are excellent services. All of the mentioned services are free but you will need to download them. There are also paid services specifically designed for divorced families, which include other useful co-parenting tools. When considering a paid service, be sure to check whether the cost is per family or per parent.
Additional Considerations
Be sure that both parents are aware of the basic internet safety rules for children. You want to stay connected to your child but you certainly do not want to expose your child to predators on the Internet.
Set up children's accounts so that only parents can contact the child.
Choose a screen name that is appropriate for your children to see.
Monitor your child's Internet use. From parental controls to security software to putting the computer in a common area of the house (never the child's bedroom!) pay attention to what your child is doing online.
Remember that younger children need more frequent contact but have shorter attention spans.
Beginning October 1, 2008, Florida requires that parents specify the communications methods that will be used for parent-child communication. Consider adding a communication schedule to your Florida parenting plan now.
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