Parenting Time Transitions - Prepare For the Ride
After a divorce, children will go from one parent's home to the other, according to the parenting plan you've agreed upon. Similar to when you plan a vacation, you have high expectations for how much fun you will have with the kids when you're together. You start looking forward to your parenting time well in advance of the schedule, and play out in your mind how wonderful it will be.
The kids also anticipate the parenting time, but often with mixed feelings. On the one hand, they will be spending time with you, which they love. On the other hand, they will be leaving familiar things, routines and their other parent behind.
It is not at all uncommon for you and the children to experience a period of awkwardness at the beginning of parenting time, regardless of how much you're looking forward to it. It's as if everyone has to get their bearings and become familiar with each other all over again.
For all of you, there might be some initial silence or grouchiness. I know it's hard, but try not to read too much into these early moods. It's often just a way of adjusting, even to something good. Depending on your parenting schedule and your relationship with the other parent, this transition can last from a few minutes to several hours.
As the parent, you can help in the transition by allowing the children some time to adjust from one home to the other before pushing them to join in with easy conversation and laughter. It's also important to allow yourself some time to adjust from the thought of having the children with you to actually having the children with you.
Be prepared, also, for another transition at the end of parenting time. Again, this can last from a few minutes to several hours. Everyone is feeling a little sad and let-down that your time together is almost over, and a natural protection against the coming sadness is to pull away a bit.
These transitions aren't unique to parenting after divorce. When my kids were in college and came home for vacations, there was some awkwardness at the beginning as we would get used to each other again. Then, soon after they arrived, I would start anticipating their having to leave, even if they were going to be home for several weeks. There was a part of me that didn't fully enjoy their time at home because I knew I would feel sad and lonesome when they left again. By the same token, I could sense them pulling back the closer it got to time for them to leave.
So before you agree to two- or three-day visits in your parenting plan, consider that with these transition periods at the beginning and the end of parenting time, each of which can last several hours, your three or four days together is effectively reduced to one or two days of quality time. You may want to think about longer visits, so you can maximize the quality time in between transitions.
You can make the most of any parenting time by accepting and preparing for these up's and down's, and making the most of the time that you do have together.
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