I Highly Recommend the Happy Side of Divorce
One of the subjects near and dear to my heart is divorce. What? Yes, I am passionate about helping people move through the experience of divorce and helping create the best post-divorce relationships possible. How can I do that? Well, I am a lot like Liz Taylor I suppose, and I have been divorced, more than once. I don't like to say that because, as common as divorce is now-a-days, it is still socially awkward to be divorced more than once. Couple that with my years of experience working in the mental health field, writing a book on divorce, and helping men and women go through the divorce process, I think I can offer a lot of help.
I know for sure that divorce is a lot more about your brain than it is about your marriage. It is the same with weight loss; it is more about what is going on inside your head than the pounds on your body. The results are the same. When you get right in your head and take appropriate action, pounds melt away relatively easily. Likewise, when you get right in your head, you realize that your ex isn't the monster you thought.
Divorce is a result of marriage. Huh? If you marry for the wrong reasons to begin with, often times divorce is inevitable even if you are a healthy person. Sometimes you marry for all the right reasons, but maybe too young and immature and then you grow in different directions and divorce is inevitable. Sometimes you marry someone who is so toxic that divorce is the only option for self-preservation.
So let's talk about divorce relationships. Why is it that some exes seem to be able to move past the pain and anger and some can't? Why is it that you can see some exes at their children's events sitting all in a row and some look like the North and the South just before the battle? Fear and sadness; which come from the same emotion, are the fundamental reasons that exes can't get along.
Fear and sadness and unresolved issues rooted in fear and sadness keep exes at odds. Each side of the camp is not being accountable for their own happiness; they are holding themselves away from the relationship that they deserve with each other. Worse, they are denying any children involved the God-given right to have two parents fully involved in their lives.
I have been on both sides of the divorce continuum. I highly recommend the happy side of divorce. I know my kids do too. I have been sad, jealous, mean and nasty and hard-hearted. All that got me was more sadness, meanness, and nastiness directed right back at me and my children. I have also been accommodating, thoughtful and understanding. That has generated cooperation, happy children and self-respect back to me.
How do you turn things around? Well, it isn't a truce or a collective bargaining agreement. You need to change your reality, perspective and beliefs. People spend time feeling like they deserve something from their ex. They spend time evaluating things and wanting them to be different. They look at a situation through their frame of reference and make judgments based on their rules. The truth is it isn't your business anymore.
The first thing to do to turn the situation around is to realize the following: divorce is not fair, your ex has crap on his/her plate too, you will never know what your ex is truly thinking, and each of us rationalizes what we do, but characterize what they do.
Divorce is not fair. Divorce is about two people ending a relationship formally. It isn't an emotional ending; it is a contractual ending. It isn't the two of you divorcing; it is the sum of all the players helping you out - the lawyers, your parents, your friends and their advice. Some of that advice is cold and calculating, and some of it results in decisions you wouldn't make twice. Either way, it affects your post-divorce relationship. So stop letting people tell you what you should do.
Your ex has crap on his/her plate too. It is human nature and divorce-common to believe that your ex is living it up without you, never thinks about the good times you had and never worries now that you are out of their life. That's b.s. - they are going through the same emotions as you and are just doing the best they can. So stop thinking that you are the only one who has stress in your life. If you can be the one thing in the situation that reduces the stress, over time you will have a better relationship for it.
You'll never know what your ex is truly thinking. The grass only looks greener on the other side. Even though people want to have closure and say their peace or be heard, most likely it isn't going to happen. Even though you think you deserve it, you won't get it and divorce is not fair. So stop looking for happiness in the wrong places and get a new life.
We rationalize our behavior and characterize theirs. That means that when we do or say something bad, we have lots of reasons why it is O.K. to have done or said it, but when they do it, it is because they are a bad person or they want to harm us. That's b.s. too. Your actions are being generalized by them and you are generalizing theirs and you are both wrong. So, stop. Become more accommodating and less defensive and operate in good faith, whether they believe you or not. When you are truly acting in good faith, you make better decisions.
If your relationship with your ex is less than friendly, consider your role in that experience and think about how you can change your attitude. The truth is your thoughts, beliefs and actions are the only things you can control. You will never be able to control theirs, so just stop trying. It is unbelievably better.
Faydra Rector-Sargent is a Mental Health Administrator, Author, Public Speaker, Educator and Life Coach who lives in Red Bluff. She believes that through accepting accountability for our own lives and circumstances, anyone can achieve anything that they desire. She can be reached at lifecoach@shasta.com or view her blog at http://faydraandcompany.blogspot.com
Source: http://ezinearticles.com/
Added: July 3, 2008
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