Grief Loss: A Woman s Changing Hats

Grief, loss, and hats? You may be asking yourself what in the heck do hats have to do with grief. When I found myself grieving from the loss of 5 family members at once, one of the things I had a problem with was my hats.

No, I am not talking about rain or gardening hats. I am talking about the different hats I wore in each relationship, the roles that I played within each setting. Among my hats were mother, wife, daughter, granddaughter, teacher, miss fix-it, friend, etc. After my losses, I had a difficult time finding some of my hats and defining some of my roles.

When you lose someone very near and dear to you, like I did, you may feel your hats have become disorganized, are missing a few cherries, or just don't seem to fit any longer. These feelings are common during the grief cycle. They are very understandable and a natural reaction to the loss.

Throughout our lives, we have a variety of hats we wear and roles we assume in order to take care of things. We change hats as each need arises. We never throw a hat away! When we are finished with one hat or role, we simply pack the hat away and take it out again when needed at a later time.

I wore my mothering-hat long before I came to be a mother to my son. I mothered the children in my classrooms, friends" children, my grandparents as they grew old, my father through his illness, and even a few lost children in Walmart. In fact, I still tend to step into that role for people who need a mother figure.

Some of you may be able to better identify with the CEO hat. You make decisions all day. You guide and advise employees, weigh consequences, and make choices based on the facts and figures you have. These talents, more than likely, spill over into other aspects of your life and are not only present during office hours.

When we lose someone or something, it can feel as if a tornado has blasted through our closets and scattered our previously well-organized hat boxes over a three state area. Our hats/roles are a part of us. They help us define our lives. They remind us of our abilities and accomplishments. The expectations we have of ourselves can often be seen in the hats we choose to wear. Special hats, that were only worn during specific times or for certain people, can remind us of our loss. These are often the most difficult to take off or change.

Loss is loss. No matter what is lost, be it a person, job, or something else, the emotions are very similar. We may feel confused, worthless, unneeded, unwanted, empty, angry, sorrow, guilt, etc. Disorganized hats and roles can cause a lot of chaos! To move beyond these emotions, we have to do 3 things:

Take inventory - Find, define, and label each hat or role. Make note of any changes or repairs that need to be made. You may need someone to help you do this.

Store hats - Figure out which hats you will need first. Keep those out and store the rest. Remember the more hats you try to wear now, the harder it will be for you to organize them all. Go slow.

Repair & make hats - Get out your milliner hat to start repairing and adjusting the old hats, one at a time. You may find that some of your hats are badly damaged. Simply combine the parts to make a new one! You NEVER have to throw away a hat.

It can take a while to get these tasks done. You may only be able to work on them a bit here and there. That"s okay. Given time, your hats/roles will be neatly in place again. You may even have few new roles and hats to add to your collection!

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