You Never Can Tell

I could just be in that moment.............I'm 15 years old. Still dope scrawny, wet stringy hair hanging in my eyes, from the first snow I've ever had to live in.

Crouched in safety, in one of the large wooden stalls, found in the bathroom of my dorm at boarding school. This is the one place I feel sure no one will tell me I'm not doing my emotional work. (it was a special school, for SPECIAL teenagers).

I'm looking down at my bony white feet one crossed over the other heels akimbo.

I have now been away at school for five months and I can still see on my toes the remains of chipped nail polish, burgundy.

Vamp was the name of the color.

I've been trying to keep my feet hidden. I'm sure some emotional growth Nazi will see my feet and and come at me with nail polish remover.

Recognizing what I know, that the little islands of color still left on my toenails are port-keys to my-self, my identity.
The one they have drilled a hole in the bottom of, and is seeping out of me, one group session at a time.
I have this cold feeling in my heart that the day I look down and see every last chip of polish washed away, is the day the Alzheimer's patient looks in the mirror and has no idea who is looking back.

This is the crisis of transformation, you empty the jar achingly, all.... the..... way.... out. Before you gasp..... and know, the fresh air filling the void is breathable.

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30 Nov 2008 03:07:09

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