Lettuce Get it On

I'm a great believer in animal rights; I believe they have the right to fit nicely on a bun. My attitude has undoubtedly softened since I witnessed a horrific dogfight. In the wife's defence, the barmaid should never have called last orders. Manchester City need a result at Middlesbrough to avoid being dragged into a real scrap at the wrong end of the table. The Boro do have one eye on Monday's FA Cup replay; I'm considering getting involved with another psycho at 10/3. I feel a real connection with the animal loving McCartney clan. I could never understand why Stella appeared unhappy with Heather;

A Common Problem With Children

Looking back at it, the story I am about to tell is funny. But during the months of the "problem", it was very frustrating. Please do keep in mind that if you are suffering a similar fate - take heart, because it truly is a common problem. In order to protect the child who had the problem, he will go unnamed. .. Maxwell was about 16 months old when the problem first started. I was in the office working on the computer one afternoon when I heard my wife shout out, "Honey, come quick! " So I ran into the living room where my son stood, smiling, hands outstretched and clutching a brown substance.

Noah s Big Boat

As a kid I remember hearing the story of Noah and his ark and I believed every word of it. But as an adult, I am beginning to have some misgivings about this tale, mainly because I have developed the ability to think. To begin with, I have a problem with what they called his boat. Why an ark? There are a lot of different names for boats. You can call it a ship, a vessel, a cruiser, a destroyer, a carrier, a dinghy, or a craft. His boat probably most resembles a houseboat, or since it carried animals, maybe we should be calling it a barnboat. So why an ark? But this is just semantics.

The Football Widow

The official term for a"football widow, " is any woman involved in a relationship with a sports fan (often a follower of football, soccer, or rugby) who pays more attention to the game than to their partner during the sport's season of play. Football widows usually have little or no interest in the sport themselves. These women are left to fend for themselves during the NFL season. If you don't believe me, go to the internet and read some of the football blogs. These poor forsaken women are pouring out their souls to anyone who will listen. They can be found at the local grocery shopping for their man's beer, wings and nacho chips.

Mark Foley s Treatment Stirs Debate in Congress, Logic Optional

Initiating an emergency protocol today, the House of Representatives enacted a policy whereby all suspected pedophiles in Congress will enter themselves into rehab for alcoholism. House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi commented, "Mark Foley has set a good example to all pedophiles today when he essentially admitted he had an alcohol problem. We hope that with some follow-up Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, Representative Foley won't want to have sex with boys anymore." A spokesman for the FBI had his doubts. "It's a little early in the investigation, but we haven't found any beer cans or wine bottles in Foley's home;

Financial Wizardry at Work - Frozen Money Technology

Thanks to the ingenuity of Louisiana Democrat William Jefferson, several innovations have been introduced to keep your money safe. Jefferson expanded the idea of cold, hard cash, and took it one step further by freezing it, thereby causing his own cash to become even colder and harder. My company will be selling plastic bags, specially formulated to freeze cash safely and prevent freezer-burn. These bags, however, will be opaque. You'll be able to label them as "turkey, " "beef, " or any other food you can imagine. A casual glance inside your freezer will only reveal dark colored bags, and not the fortune you've acquired from bribery.

Why Reverse Text?

Some would say that the personal computer and the Internet have revolutionized how much we can accomplish in a day. That may be true, but they have also revolutionized how much time can be wasted in a day. At some point in your life, you may find that you have too much time on your hands. 9 out of 10 leading experts agree that reversing text is a proven way to waste time. Your name, when spelled in reverse, may be something funny or cool (e.g. liam reversed spells mail). Avoid the surprise of getting embarrassed at some point in the future by finding out now. Confuse your boss by sending him an email about the project you are working on completely in reverse.

Touting For Dinner

In your average family, there are a couple of coming of age moments, usually revolving around a bar/bat mitzvah, a confirmation, graduation, sweet sixteen or having your first legal drink with your parents. In my family, there were three of these moments: your bar mitzvah, the first time you could lay a bet legally at the track and when you could legally gamble with the Old Man at a casino. My younger brothers and I had been going to the track to with the Old Man ever since we could walk. He'd come home almost every night with a tip and asked who wanted to go watch the trotters with him.

The Real McCaugheys

The birth of the McCaughey Septuplets has everyone thinking and talking babies. Even couples who have never before felt the desire to hear the pitter-patter of little feet stepping all over their stuff are considering taking the plunge. You hear them all the time, these poor, ignorant fools, saying things like, "Oh, the babies are so cute and the mommy looks so happy. And look at the daddy on TV, always smiling. Maybe we should have a baby, too." If you're a regular reader you know that I'm the proud sire of two girls: Sierra, my two year old who daily redefines the word "hyperactive; " and Chelsea, who is nine.

The Four Letters Between PG R

When I was a kid, there were certain words you just didn't say in front of your parents, or any grownup suspected of being a parental snitch. Swear words, my mama called them, cuss words, words little kids shouldn't say lest the Bad Word Police come take them away. Being told not to say these words just made them that much more appealing to my felonious little brain. I couldn't wait to grow up and use these words without fear of legal repercussions and threats of imprisonment. In fact, I didn't want to just "use" these forbidden little gems. I wanted to use them elegantly, masterfully, the way a fine artist uses a brush to splash life onto a blank canvas.