El Nino Made Me Do It!
For years, I've been trying to convince my friends and family that outside forces caused me to do most of the stupid things I've done in my life. Though they would never come right out and say it, I'm pretty sure the only thing they are convinced of is that I'm really just a highly functioning idiot savant, kind of a high octane Rain Man, if you will. Maybe that's why my wife never lets me drive. Granted, I have done some pretty idiotic things over the years, not a lot of idiotic things, mind you, but there are several skid marks along my psychological interstate that I'd like to blame on something other than my own fallibility.
Armadillo on the Half Shell
Have you ever wondered who first figured out what man should and should not eat? I mean, at some point near the beginning of time, there must have been someone who sat down on a rock and decided that man should eat cows, but not crocodiles; that he should devour pigs and chickens and fish, but not lions and tigers and bears. Who was this prehistoric Galloping Gourmet and what was his connection to the "Wizard of Oz? " Unfortunately, we'll probably never know. If early man was anything like his modern-day counterpart, it's a pretty safe bet that only those animals that were easy to catch and didn't try to eat you in return were put on the edibles list.
All the President s Women
It warms the cockles of my heart to know that in this great country of ours any little boy can grow up to be a president who can't keep his line item veto in his pants. When the news broke that President Bill Clinton had been accused of having "an improper sexual relationship" with a 21-year old White House intern named Monica Lewinsky, and that he supposedly asked her to lie to cover up the affair, I didn't quite know what to think. So, as I usually do in times of quandary, I let the little voices in my head fight it out. The voting Republican in me did a little dance and said, "Aha, we've got him now!
The Great Big List of Calorie-Free Foods
It's a little known fact (or in most cases, wishful thinking) that some foods can, in certain situations, go from being fattening no-no's to being totally calorie-free simply by mangling your perspective. Here's a list of those foods and situations. 1. Anything sampled when preparing food - If you're taste-testing, those tastes are calorie-free. If you're cooking for someone else and aren't going to be having any yourself, those tastes actually have negative calories and can help you lose weight. 2. Anything eaten off someone else's plate doesn't count. If you can get it when they're not looking, that's negative calories again.
Humor - I Don t Do Mornings
Some people are morning people. They get up before the sun rises and they go for a run around the local golf course, scaring the bird trying to get the first worm. They get back home for breakfast and have a shower. Then they catch up on all their letter writing and birthday cards. After making a few calls and concluding a few deals, they toddle off to work, arriving 20 minutes early. I don't do mornings. The alarm clock is like the sword of damacles hanging over my slumber. It's strident clamour heralds the death of my dreams and the destruction of the land of Nod. I hit the sleep button and scrape another few minutes of sleep from the desolation of another workday.
The Problematic 6000
The Problematic 6000 is especially designed with innovation in mind. This device was created to help a person create problems, rather than solve them. Is there someone in your life who has betrayed you, or wronged you in any way imaginable? Once you turn this device on, it automatically reads your mind using advanced telepathic bio-circuitry, and immediately searches your conscious, unconscious, and subconscious mind for the person who most deserves to incur your wrath. It uses a patented algorithm to sort by priority, and completely ignores your morals and rational judgement. The Problematic 6000 was invented by Joel Edistein, who had versatility and ease of use in mind when he developed the very first schematic.
Funny Pics - More Than For the Lulz
Funny images on the internet are almost as popular as that other thing that you always clear your cookies for and is most assuredly not safe for work. There's a very good chance that the first image you ever saw on the internet could be labeled as funny; or least tried to be funny. How is it different today from when the internet first started entering homes across the world? The most popular funny pics today are undoubtedly lolcat images, which combine word captions (in this instance conveying emotion or conversation) and lovable kitties. The lolcat images are really an evolution of humor's existence on the internet.
You Won t Find Sesame Street on MapQuest
Sesame Street must exist in an alternate universe. I recently asked a fellow, "Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street, where the air is sweet? " He gazed at me rather curiously and quickly walked away. I searched today, but couldn't find Sesame Street on Google Earth or MapQuest. I would like to find this wondrous street, and perhaps live there even as a homeless man. I would very much like to live in a place where it's sunny every day and be able to bask in the cool shade next to Oscar's trash can. I yearn for cookies. I feel as if I'm destined to live in a world (or on a street) where gluttony is an acceptable practice -- a street where Cookie Monster, not Diet Pill Monster, is a renowned icon.
On Switch, Off Switch
I don't like being mentally ill because it means that sometimes my mind can't understand things as well as healthy minds. I know that I am inferior to the big Incorporated Corporated Conglomerated Companies who are successful and whose minds are not ill. Personally, I don't think of myself as being mentally ill, but rather I have a brain that has a mild cold or is allergic to normalcy. I own electrical appliances. I have two Ethernet routers that don't have switches to turn them on or off. I have an amplified antenna for my television that plugs into an outlet, but it doesn't have an on or off switch.
Fake Marriage Licenses?
Let's face it - America is a country obsessed with documentation. If it's not on paper, signed, sealed and certified, then it didn't happen or doesn't even exist. Fortunately, this obsession can be turned to your advantage - for example, with a fake marriage license! As some battle-scarred marriage veterans can attest, there may be many occasions when you really do need to prove that your (future) husband did agree to always leave the toilet seat down, or to never eat the last serving of chocolate ice cream in the fridge! One type of fake marriage license, with several humorous terms clearly spelled out, can get all those contentious terms in writing to clear up misunderstandings once and for all.